Dear Eric: I have been with my husband for almost 35 years. We both had been married and divorced once. But there have been three of us in this marriage: my husband, myself and his mother.
She has always treated me poorly and he always defends her.
She has bullied me over and over again. She fully believes that she is supposed to be everyone’s priority and get her way immediately, automatic compliance. If you tell her no, you will be unleashed on with such fury.
My husband defends almost all of this. He tells me I am the problem, not her and her behavior because I try to stand up to her and have a problem with what she does. He says I shouldn’t care how she treats me because she is so virtuous and she always does the right thing.
She has never once apologized for her incredibly selfish behavior or her vicious mouth. She has screamed at me and tells me I am just “too sensitive”. I am beyond sick of it.
He needs to be married to her, not me.
Aside from all of this with her, he is a very kind man, a wonderful stepdad to my sons and a loving grandfather. I am just sick of the denial of my very bad experience with his mother and the endless idealization and idolizing.
The resentment is enormous. We have been to marriage counseling because he had some of the same behaviors toward me and I was on the brink and wanted out. What do I do?
– In-Law Agony
Dear In-Law: This kind of treatment is unacceptable; I’m sorry you’ve gone through this. You write that he had some of the same behaviors toward you. Your relationship with your mother-in-law may be beyond salvaging and the best course of action may be to put as much distance between you and her as you can. But your marriage should be healthy and communicative; those behaviors you mentioned are neither and it’s concerning.
I’m curious about what happens if you make the subject of his mother something that neither of you discuss. Without needing to defend her, can he see and address his side of the street in counseling? Can you adjust his behavior toward you?
From what you’ve written, you don’t seem to be asking him to choose sides, you’re asking him to acknowledge feelings and that you deserve to be treated with respect. If he doesn’t think you deserve respect, how can he show up for your marriage?
You don’t have to like his mother; you don’t have to fully understand their connection, unhealthy though it may be. But he needs to respect you; make that non-negotiable in counseling.
Dear Eric: I socialize with a group that includes an extreme extrovert. She dominates the conversation. Nice person but she never shuts up. She talks 95 percent of the time and the rest of us get 1 percent each.
She goes into long-winded stories about people we don’t know. Age/cognitive decline is not the issue. How would you kindly let her know she needs to develop listening skills as they are also part of conversation?
– Talked Out
Dear Talked: Try setting up group agreements for conversation, like a conversation prompt that each person gets to answer or even bringing a timer to lunch so that everyone is assured a space in the conversation. The key is to make these decisions at the group level so that everyone, including your extroverted friend, buys into the effort.
Dear Eric: The letter writer “Feeling Guilty” wrote about being financially strapped after cancer treatments and unable to tell their daughters. There are many financial assistance programs for her cancer treatment.
For instance, the Susan G. Komen Foundation has $500 grants to help with everyday costs, including gas and utilities.
Additionally, there are volunteers available to drive her to her treatments through the American Cancer Society.
All cancer centers have nurse navigators who assist with appointments, financial assistance and other complementary treatments. Many patients do not know about this service.
I hope this helps.
– Help Available
Dear Help: Thank you very much for sharing these resources. The stress of medical treatment and recovery can be made so much worse by financial stress.
Dear Eric: “Feeling Guilty,” who felt they could not afford birthday gifts, should maybe make copies of family photos from decades ago if they are available. Dollar stores have low-priced frames. The daughters sharing photos with their children of their own childhood would be a relatively inexpensive way to show love. Children always want to know how they fit in the world and this would possibly accomplish that.
– Inexpensive Gifts
Dear Gifts: This is a lovely suggestion and I agree, photos make wonderful gifts.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com.
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